These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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1. When your boss says - "You have screwed up this module"

Smile - it means "the other modules were good"

2. When your boss says - "I am not going to let you go early today evening"

Smile - It means "you can come late tomorrow"

3. When your boss says - "Do the documentation"

Smile - it means "Relax dude, you've done enough of coding, time to give your brains a break"

4. When your boss says - "You do nothing but just surf the internet"

Smile - it means "Dude, now I know where all that knowledge comes from"

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Finally - an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!

Element: Woman

Symbol: WO+

Discoverer: Adam Edenwarden

Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

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Pappu (real name "Nilesh") opens an Orkut account.

Stage 1:
Pappu is called as "Pappu" and is 16 years old, have just cleared 10th standard exam. He opens an Orkut account.

About Me: Some "sher" explaining friendship and love.
Profile picture: Hritik or Shahid's photo
Album: Katrina, Ayesha Takia, Amrita Raos photos, Pics of Shah Rukh Khans home
Scraps: More "sher"s explaining all the philosophy in the world and claiming that Friendship and Love are the most important things in life.
Friends: Invitation sent to each and everyone on Orkut.
Communities: 10th standard batch community, Some brazilian community, Tendulkar / Federer fan community, Sunsign / Moonsign community
Testimonial: Messages like "hoz u" / "wch col" / "hi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... u thr ..... tc" will be in the testimonials.


Stage 2:
Pappu has completed his bachelors. He is now called as Nilesh by everyone. He has got a job in a good company.

About Me: Only in this stage about me is really "About me". Its full of what Nilesh likes, what he doesnt like, what he does in his spare time etc etc.
Profile pic: Nilesh wearing goggle on some fort / tourist spot.
Album: Nilesh and gang visiting each and every Multiplex / Fort / Water Fall in 100 km radius on bike.
Scraps: Mainly this scrap from Girls "Do I know you ?"
Friends: All the school, college batch mates, all the girls who are open to accept friend requests
Communities: "Name Beginning with", "Surname beginning with", Company community, College community
Testimonial: Testimonial claiming how is he the "GD" of at least three guys and how average he is and how he could be a good BF.

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"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China .

In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken.........

Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

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Here’s how
The Indian TV news channels would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.


Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

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An Irishman is a man who?

May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...

Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....

Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...

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· Bombay has no bombs and is a harbour not a bay.
· Churchgate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.

· There is no darkness in Andheri.
· Lalbaag is neither red nor a garden.

· No kings ever stayed at Kings Circle.
· Nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus.

· Nor is there any princess at Princess Street.
· Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel.

· There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines.
· The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali.

· There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar.
· Teen bati is a junction of 3 roads, not three lamps.

· Trams used to terminate at Kings Circle not Dadar* Tram Terminus (Dadar T.T.).
· Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market, but there is a Hospital.

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JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breastfeeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

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MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

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STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

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BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

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