Jokes

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,

Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag,

But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story,"says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars.

"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

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Once Pappu started praying to Ravan and after 1 year Ravan was very happy from the bhakti of Pappu.

Then Ravan decides to give 3 vardans to Pappu.

RAVAN: Say vatsa! What you want?

PAPPU: I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: But I can give you only 3 vardans

PAPPU: But I want 100 vardans.

RAVAN: No child that’s not possible.

PAPPU: No I want 100 means 100

RAVAN: No I can give you only 3. If you want then take or else I am going.

PAPPU: Ok! But what 3 I will ask, you will give me definitely?

RAVAN: Sure it's promise from Rakshas Raj Ravana.

PAPPU: 1st vardan, convert your GADA on shoulder to wooden bamboo stick.

RAVAN: "Tathastu" and his gada turns into a stick.

PAPPU: 2nd Vardan, put that stick in your ass hole ... deep inside ...!!

RAVAN: (confused but ......) "Thathastu" and in great pain asks Pappu to ask for the third vardan .... ASAP ...

PAPPU: Now are you giving me rest 97 vardans or should I convert that stick back to GADA ?

The moral of the Story: Management will not yield to your simple request until u can give pain in their Ass.



Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.

When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people living

in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.

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Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in  Kampala .  


While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."  At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.


It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product.  For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."


Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!



A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"                                                                                                      

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.   

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.                                                                                                       

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"



A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.


She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.


She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"


He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 


A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.


They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."


She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"



Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.  So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"


"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home.  I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning!  He never heard a thing!"


After apologizing, I got her parcel.


"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"


"What is it?" I asked.


"My husband's new hearing aid."



A very good and pious Jew, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]

Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.

Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"



After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?