Humor

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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the shortest word
just to cheer you UP!

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language.  Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)   

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word,  and that word is 'UP.'

It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

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Different Professions


We all know that an optimistic would see half full glass of water, while a pessimist would see a half empty one. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

A Banker would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The Government would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:  You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has eight body piercings, and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year, and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus, and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

6. Whether you go to an event, and how long you stay is totally dependent upon the traffic.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

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THEY SAID IT ? DID THEY?


Did you read these before? These are still interesting and make you laugh.


Priceless Observations Department: Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty..But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet:- If it tastes good spit it out. Keep smiling!
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[1] Sweeter Sides of Life

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."

[2] Better Dead than Alive

A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.” The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.” The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.” The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”

[3] An Alien Observation

“A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime.”

[4] Respect to a Dead Union

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Most are as plain as it is on your face, others aren't.


1) Blow it

2) Wipe it

3) Scratch it

4) Pick it

5) Be led around by it

6) Keep it to the grindstone

7) Look down it

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UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity. --Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable. --Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.. --Fred Brooks

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. -- Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt. --Bertrand Russell

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, Then programming must be the process of putting them in. --Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic; You cannot have both at the same time. --Bertrand Meyer

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works. --Alan J. Perlis

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Zindagi hai to Khwaab Hai
__Khwaab Hai To Manzilein Hai
____Manzilein Hai To Fasaley Hai
__________Fasaley Hai To Rastey Hai
_____________Rastay Hai To Mushkilein Hai
___________________Mushkilein Hai To Hausla Hai
_________________________Hausla Hai To Vishawas Hai
_____________________________Vishvas hai to Paisa hai
_______________________________Paisa hai to Shohrat hai
_____________________________________Shohrat hai to Izzat Hai
_________________________________________Izzat hai to Ladki hai
______________________________________Ladki hai to Tension hai
________________________________Tension hai to Concern hai
__________________________Concern hai to a Khayaal hai
______________________Khayaal hai to Khwaab hai
_________________Khawab hai to Growth hai
__________Growth hai to Zindagi hai
______Zindagi hai to khwaab hai
__Matlab duniya Gol Gol hai
Bas ghumnewala chahiye


Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

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