Humor


ATTRACTION.. ... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

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The following is the list of some new viruses going round in India. Better beware of them.

L.K. Advani Virus: This virus pops up every now and then, and the only way you can continue working is by typing Jai Shri Ram 108 times.


Jayalalitha Virus: This actually is a family of viruses. Each member of this virus family grab as much of hard disk space as possible,while the main virus is totally unaware of it. When everything stops working,this virus blames the user for the whole chaos.


Laloo Yadav virus: A dangerous virus, gulps all the resources as well as it corrupts the data. If you try to use scanner, During hibernation,it will rename its signature with another deadly virus of the same family. This virus takes help from other viruses to avoid scanning.

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1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner....as well as in the morning without clothes before breakfast, because it's nice to feel how much weight you have lost overnight. (Doing what?)

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair. (Extra weight of Water)


3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. The blurred vision can help read the scale low. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the professional kind, because they are always fluctuating and a few pounds off. Use the reading to your advantage.


5. Always go to the bathroom first and empty yourself.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.


7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you have weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).


9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale ( Eliminate weight of air in the lungs).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

[1] If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

[2] Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

[3] Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

[4] Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

[5] If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[6] My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

[7] Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

[8] It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

[9]. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

[10] If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

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Bollywood

Shahrukh, the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball......

bowler bowls it and Shahrukh glides it to 3rd man....

the ball goes to boundary line Shahrukh runs for 3 runs, fielder throws at non-striker it misses the stumps and goes for over-throw,

ShahRukh runs again for 3 , this time fielder tactic fully throws at Keepers end, Keeper Misses it goes for a 4 runs. In the background Vande Mathram....

Shahruk WINS the match.......

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Tollywood

Cheeru, the batsman needs to score 10 runs of 1 ball........

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12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a PAPER letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone whom I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a PAPER book.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear my music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

MARRIAGE,
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;

[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";

[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;

[4] a very good way to promote civilisation -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates}

[5] a process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay later;

[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

[7] a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

[8] a ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;

[9] something that changes the demeanour of a driver -- there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;

[10] the only permanent cure for love;

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• Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postman: Yeh post office hai, police station nahi.
Man: Kya karu? Kahan jau? Khushi k maare kuchh samajh me nahi aa raha.

• Meaning of Marriage for a woman: Sacrificing admiration of many men for the criticism of one man!

• Mummy: Beta kyun ro rahe ho?
Beta: Papa ne mujhe kissi nahi di.
Mummy: Beta, aap ne papa ko tables nahi sunaye honge.
Beta: Kaam wali ko kaun se tables aate hein.

• Husband: Tumse Shaadi Karke Mujhe Ek Bahut Bada Faayda Hua Hai.
Wife: Woh Kya?
Husband: Mujhe Mere Gunaaho ki Saza Jeete-Jee Hi Mil Gayi!

• Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!

• A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.

• A boy on Date With Gal in BMW. Jaan ! Maine tumse ek baat chupaai hai ki I'm already married.
Girl: Oh GOD! Tumne To dara he dia, main Samjhi ye Car tumhari nahi.

• Men who don’t understand women at all, by & large, fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

• Excellence is an option that is renewable.

• Wife to her friend: My hubby bought me a Mood ring the other day. When I'm in a gud mood, it turns Green & when Im in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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