Humor


Dress Well When Calling
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? (on a dress??)
Caller: No, I have on a bra and a panty, why?


Roving Rat
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

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1.    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

2.    If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

3.    Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
 
4.    Can you cry under water?

5.    Why do people say, 'You've been working like a dog' when dogs just sit around all day?

6.    Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

7.    Do fish ever get thirsty?

8.    Can you get cornered in a round room?

9.    Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

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Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u goin?
Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?
Man: My wife...
 
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Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!
 
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Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
 
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
 
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Some humor before the markets open!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

I say no to drugs,  they just don't listen.
 
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
 
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
 
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
 
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
 
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
 
Born free, taxed to death.
 
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
 
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
 
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

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Ok tell me...

Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1)Pray, so that u may live...
2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!



n ya...
Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp ......
I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.


and u know what...
Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED???
Don't Be, it was sent to me, just wanted you to read it.

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10 LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Not sure if this was really said by Mr. Faber but the content seems true and plausible.


Marc Faber's comment on US economy - TOO GOOD


Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.'

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tellyou something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

And they say Kashmir belongs to them...

The American president-elect Barack Obama is said to have called 15 world leaders so far, including presidents or prime ministers or kings of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico, South Korea, Egypt, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Spain, Poland and Pakistan.

Surprisingly, president-elect Obama has not called India's leaders yet.

The truth is Obama has tried calling Mr. Singh. And a few times, he did connect as well. For various reasons though, the call did not seem to progress into a productive telephonic conversation. Here are ten reasons why that happened:


1. The first time Obama called the Indian Prime Minister's office, Mr. Singh's chief secretary picked up the phone and said, "who is speaking.."

Hearing that, Obama kept the phone down and told his secretary that by mistake, they had connected to the Chinese president's office.


2. Obama tried again a little later. Once again, Singh's secretary picked up the phone. Obama thought that he should let the guy know who he was speaking with.

So before the Indian secretary had a chance to say anything, Obama said, "This is Barack Obama speaking..". "Yeah right", said the chief secretary, "and I am Mahatma Gandhi here…".

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