Humor


Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
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To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
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If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

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This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.


This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.


The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.


*********************The outgoing message:***************************


'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

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WHY (can anyone give the answers)

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity.

I do not know which makes a man more conservative—to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.

Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching.

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.

[1] Sweeter Sides of Life

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."


[2] Better Dead than Alive

A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.”
The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.”
The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.”
The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”


[3] An Alien Observation


“A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime.”

[4] Respect to a Dead Union

A husband reminded the wife, “Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute’s in silence.”

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OLD TITLES :  NEW TITLES


Garden Boy : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Receptionist : Front Office Manager/Office Access Control

Typist: Printed Document Handler

Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician

Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor

Tea Boy : Refreshment Overseer

Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician

Watchman : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer

Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer

Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer

Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist

Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist

Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager

Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Unemployed : Township Management

Gossiping : Research Management

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!


Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'Onpage 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need tounplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jackbefore cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

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Why INDIA is in trouble ??? & Who will Bringout it from Trouble ??

Population: 100 crore
9 crore retired

30 crore in state Govt;
17 crore in central Govt.
(Both categories don't work)

1 crore IT professional (don't work for India )

25 crore in school

1 crore are under 5 years

15 crore unemployed

1.2 crore u can find anytime in hospitals

Statistics says u find 79,99,998 people anytime in jail

The Balance two are U & Me.

U are busy " checking Mails /sending fwds.. "..!!

HOW CAN I HANDLE INDIA alone?

SO I NEEDS SUPPORT OF ALL OF YOU TO BRING IT ON TOP...:)

[1] IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?

[2] CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?

[3] HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

[4] WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?

[5] ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

[6] WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.

To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.(yuck)

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want tomarry you, I want to have children." -- they leave skid marks. Thisworks whether a man or woman says it.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man. like Nailing Jello to a tree for instance.

Mankind is stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.

Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.